Skipper Bruce, as usual, kept his thoughts to himself and let nothing escape. He occasionally rolled his eyes at the presence of Nat, whose name none of the crew other than Deck Hand Chris himself could pronounce, and at the way women appeared to gain too strong a grasp over his friends, but he said nothing. He was too busy imagining that the Pride of Lamond was, in fact, made of light and sailed not a real ocean, but a computerised one and that Daft Punk played wherever he went.
Skipper Bruce was sailing to the north-west today. He'd heard that the prawn fields there were ripe for the harvest. Today his crew would be true fishermen and bring in quite a catch, of that he was certain. Boats of all kinds, from the tiniest to the largest, had been coming into port day after day telling joyfully of the prawns that were entering their nets. The new seafood restaurant, Kingdom of Fish, was bursting with the freshest catches every evening, all from that one field of the ocean. But the area had to be reached fast - the season meant that the abundant harvest would not last for long. Time was short.
As they reached the section of ocean about which the Skip had heard the water was tinged with the colour of prawns. Huge shoals of fish could be seen swimming below the surface, darting to left and to right, in a manner not dissimilar to how Rebecca Adlington might swim were she heavily addicted to heroin and taking part in an Olympics 200m breaststroke event having been denied her supply for a couple of days.
"Right, lads," called Skipper Bruce. "Let's go catch some fash!"
The nets were let into the water and were soon fit to bursting with fish.
"Draw them in!" called Skipper Bruce. His heart was filled with the joy of such an awesome catch. There would be true celebration in the Kingdom of Fish that evening when the catch were brought home. Despite this emotion, however, his face remained passive.
Looking out of the wheelhouse window, however, he saw no movement from his crew. First Mate Glen was on the phone.
"First Mate Glen!" called Skipper Bruce. "We need to bring in the catch, can you put down the phone and help?"
First Mate Glen turned his back away from the wheelhouse and continued to talk.
"First Mate Glen!" called Skipper Bruce, but to no avail.
Deck Hand Chris was stood by prow of the ship whispering to Nat.
"Deck Hand Chris!" called Skipper Bruce, "can you bring in the nets? They're full, they're fit to burst!"
Deck Hand Chris, however, appeared not to hear his Skipper.
Cabin Boy Matt was sat with a laptop on his knee typing away furiously.
"Cabin Boy Matt!" called Skipper Bruce, glancing back at the now dangerously overly full nets. "Cabin Boy Matt, please bring in the catch!"
"Yeah, yeah, in a minute," mumbled Cabin Boy Matt, distractedly.
The nets were becoming increasingly full, causing the Pride of Lamond to tip backwards slightly. If they weren't brought in soon they could capsize the vessel. God alone would be able to save them should they snag on a rock.
In well-hidden panic, Skipper Bruce wandered slowly and calmly to First Mate Glen.
"No, Heth, no, I'm not, I'm not. ...No, Heth, that's not true... Heth, I want to make you happy, it's just... No... Heth... No... I was a bit shocked and am still a bit... Heth, I do want to make you happy... I do... No, I do... Please tell me how... No, I do want to hear... Heth, I do... OK... I'm sorry, Heth... I am sorry... I do now... I tried that... I did... It just surpised me... I didn't expect it to look like that... No, I didn't, Heth... I didn't..."
"Er, First Mate Glen," said Skipper Bruce, tapping him on the shoulder.
"Just a minute, Skip," said First Mate Glen, covering the phone with his hand.
"No, First Mate Glen, this is really important. The nets are about to burst."
"Hang on, Skipper, I'm trying to save my marriage."
And with that, First Mate Glen put the phone back to his ear.
"No, Heth, the Skipper was talking to me... No, I wasn't ignoring you... I wasn't..."
The Pride of Lamond's prow was now high out of the water and the sea was beginning to cover the rear of the ship. It was dangerously low from the now incredible weight of the net.
Skipper Bruce struggled up the steep incline to where Deck Hand Chris and Nat, totally unaware of the situation, where still whispering to each other.
"Deck Hand Chris, could you help bring in the catch?" asked Skipper Bruce, breathless from his climb.
Deck Hand Chris didn't appear to notice.
"Deck Hand Chris, this is really important," said Skipper Bruce, his panic coming across clearly in his mono-tonal voice.
Still neither Deck Hand Chris nor Nat appeared to notice Skipper Bruce's presence as they whispered gently to each other, his hand taking hers.
"Deck Hand Chris!", Skipper Bruce practically shouted.
Deck Hand Chris began to stroke Nat's hair and Skipper Bruce gave up, realising his attempts were futile.
Skipper Bruce slid back down the deck towards Cabin Boy Matt, who was typing increasingly furiously into his laptop. He could see as he approached that Cabin Boy Matt was using facebook chat to communicate with three separate females. He could also see that his approaches differed somewhat between the girls. The last line he had typed to the first girl read "Did it hurt when you fell out of Heaven?", to the second he written "Nobody else will have you with a mug like that, so you might as well say yes" and to the third he'd tried "They're doing two-for-one pizzas at The Lady's Head, so I'll buy."
"Excuse me, Cabin Boy Matt," said Skipper Bruce, "it's really, really important that we get the nets in now, could you help?"
"Hang on a sec, I'm about to strike gold here," replied Cabin Boy Matt, somewhat optimistically given the responses he was getting online.
Before Skipper Bruce could answer there was a loud crack and the Pride of Lamond fell back into the water. The nets had broken, the fish had gone.
* * *
Skipper Bruce, First Mate Glen, Deck Hand Chris, Cabin Boy Matt and the ever-present Nat sat around a table in The Lady's Head. Not only had they lost the catch that could have made them a fortune and an excellent reputation as fishermen, they had also lost a very expensive net.
"What was going on?" asked Skipper Bruce. "We had the biggest catch of our lives, more fash than we can possibly imagine. The prawn fields were ripe for the harvest and we blew it because you were too concerned with women.
"First Mate Glen, you may be married but I want you to live as though you have no wife. Deck Hand Chris and Cabin Boy Matt, a married man's concerned with how to please his wife, but an unmarried man can concern himself with catching fash. You're unmarried, don't look for a wife, focus on the work we have to do. If you're not willing to make these compromises you might have to rethink your position on the Pride of Lamond."
There was silence around the table as the crew contemplated their failures.
"Deck Hand Chris, I'm afraid I can't allow girls onboard anymore, and that includes N... N... N..."
"It's Nat. Nat," replied a frustrated Deck Hand Chris. "It's not hard to pronounce."
"Yes, Skip," put in First Mate Glen, "it's really easy to pronounce Net."
"Nat!" said Deck Hand Chris emphatically.
"That's what I said," said First Mate Glen, "Nlat."
"Nat!"
"Nut."
"Nat!"
"Pat."
"NAT!"
Skipper Bruce, in a rare show of emotion, rolled his eyes, shook his head and went to get another pint.
