Skipper Bruce, Cabin Boy Matt, Reverend Doctor Inspector Warwick and Harbour Master Gamble sidled uneasily into the back of the church. Uneasily, because they were all wearing their work clothes and smelt distinctly of fish, in contrast to everyone else in the church, who wore frilly hats, kilts, ties, posh frocks, posh jackets and funny pointless birds' nests in their hair. On the front row sat Deck Hand Chris and First Mate Glen and at the very front stood the vicar, his mop of long, uncontrolled highlighted hair held back by a belt. He wore a tweed waistcoat and tartan trousers along with his dog collar.All of a sudden Glasvegas began to play on the stereo and the congregation turned to face the back of the church, where Heather entered, looking radiant in a brilliant white dress, accompanied by her father and a cacophony of bridesmaids. First Mate Glen moved to stand in front of the vicar and, even from behind, Skipper Bruce and Cabin Boy Matt saw him visibly
gulp. As Heather reached the front of the church Deck Hand Chris turned and smiled sickly at Nat, who was one of 17 bridesmaids, giving her a dainty wave.
"OK, guys," intoned the vicar, brushing the hair back from in front of his face. "I just want to, like, welcome you to St Wallace's and the marriage here, of, er, who have we got today...? Just a moment, guys... Of First Mate Glen and Heather, it's just, like, totally awesome to see you all here today... in the house of God, the house of our Lord Jesus. Yah. So, like, I'm the vicar here... my name is Dave but you can call be the Reverend Simpson. So, like, we're going to totally start off with some worship, so if, like, the band could, like, come to the front..."
The Reverend Simpson stood aside as the band took up centre stage. The worship leader, who introduced himself as Clem, told the congregation that they would be singing Amazing Grace, though he also managed to throw three Chris Tomlin songs, two Delirious? numbers, Kum Ba Ya and another song that nobody had ever heard before into the mix. When everyone had slumped, exhausted, back into their seats the Reverend Simpson asked First Mate Glen and Heather to stand before him.
"So, like, we're here today for something totally awesome, these two people... err... what are your names again...? First Mate Glen and Heather, yah, they're, like, here to, like, commit themselves to each other in marriage before God... before the Lord Almighty, yah, so, like, I'm going to ask them if they, like, agree to this."
"You'd better agree," Heather hissed at her cowering future husband.
"So, like, will you... err... First Mate Glen... take... err... Heth... Heather, isn't it? ...To be your wife?" asked the Reverend Simpson.
"I do," replied First Mate Glen.
"No, you will," hissed Heather.
"Er, right, sorry Heth, I will," answered First Mate Glen, a little flustered.
"And, like, will you... err... Heather... take... err... this man to be your, like, husband?" asked the Reverend Simpson of Heather.
"I will," she replied, smiling sweetly at the Reverend Simpson.
"Do you, like, have the rings?" asked the Reverend Simpson, turning to Deck Hand Chris.
"I most certainly do," replied Deck Hand Chris, turning towards Nat and smiling sickly again as
he handed the rings to the Reverend Simpson.
"Totally awesome. So, like, the couple... err... these two... have, like, written their own vows,
which is, like, totally awesome, and they've remembered them..."
"You'd better have," hissed Heather.
"...so... err... you," the Reverend Simpson indicated towards First Mate Glen, "put the ring on her finger and say your vows."
First Mate Glen placed the ring on Heather's finger and looked more or less into her eyes as he said his vows. In fact, he looked less, rather than more, into her eyes because Deck Hand Chris was holding a sheet of paper on which his vows were scribbled just behind Heather's left ear.
"Heth," said First Mate Glen, "you are the most wonderful woman I've ever met and I want to honour you and God with everything I have. I'll cook for you, I'll clean for you, I'll iron for you, I'll allow you to watch whatever you like on television, I'll... err..."
First Mate Glen went quiet. Heather looked at him, anger rising in her eyes as she began to suspect that First Mate Glen had forgotten the vows that she had written for him. In the nick of time, however, Deck Hand Chris realised that he had reached the bottom of the page and quickly turned it round so that his friend could continue.
"I'll... err...be at your beck and call all day. But most of all, I will serve God alongside you and try my best to guide you in his ways."
"Yah, yah, marvellous. And now... err... you," the Reverend Simpson indicated towards Heather, "you do the same to... err... to him."
Heather slipped the ring onto First Mate Glen's finger and said, "First Mate Glen, you are the most wonderful man I've ever met and I want to honour you and God with everything I have. I'll allow you to do whatever you like for me. But most of all, I will serve God alongside you and try my best to guide you in his ways."
"Yah, yah, lovely, so, like, now they're married and they're allowed to kiss, so, like, enjoy this very special first time, guys."
* * *
Cabin Boy Matt stood behind the pulpit.
"The readin' is from Fust Corinthians Chapter thirteen, verses four to thirteen. I'll be readin' from t' NNFV, that is, the New Noun Free Version.
"That which is patient, kind, doesn't envy, doesn't boast, isn't proud, rude, self-seeking or easily angered is patient. That which is patient, kind, doesn't envy, doesn't boast, isn't proud, rude, self-seeking or easily angered is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It it not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps that which does not technically exist which is recorded of that which is wrong. That which is patient, kind, doesn't envy, doesn't boast, isn't proud, rude, self-seeking or easily angered does not delight in that which is really, really bad, but it rejoices in that which is true. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
"That which is patient, kind, doesn't envy, doesn't boast, isn't proud, rude, self-seeking or easily angered never fails. But where there are those which are spoken prophetically and predict that which is to come at the suggestion of he who rules majestically and omnipotently, they will cease; where there are those which wag, they will be stilled; where there is that which is known, it will pass away. For we know a bit and we prophesy a bit, but when that which is perfect comes, that which is imperfect disappears. When I was really young, I talked like that which is really young, I thought like that which is really young, I reasoned like that which is really young. When I became older than that which is really young, I put the ways of that which is really young behind me. Now we see that which is merely reflected poorly, as in that at which we look to see that which is reflected and which is usually kept where we bathe and wash and urinate and clean those which we use to chew; then we shall see the top bit where we find that which is used for eating and speaking, that which is used for smelling and those which are used for seeing to the top bit where we find that which is used for eating and speaking, that which is used for smelling and those which are used for seeing; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
"And now these three remain: that which is faithful, that which is hopeful and that which is patient, kind, doesn't envy, doesn't boast, isn't proud, rude, self-seeking or easily angered. But the greatest of these is that which is patient, kind, doesn't envy, doesn't boast, isn't proud, rude, self-seeking or easily angered.
"This is the Word of the Lord. Sort of."
Cabin Boy Matt walked back to his seat as the congregation sat in complete, stunned silence. The Reverend Simpson took his place at the front again.
"So, like, yah," he said, nodding and brushing his hair back from in front of his face once more. "So, that passage was about love, and, like, I want you to know that God is love. God loves you. Yah, totally awesome, right? I know you agree. And, like, I couldn't help noticing that... err... the groom is, like, a fisherman... or something... right? Yah, good. He's, like, a fisherman. And, you know, like Jesus... was into fishermen... he, like, spent lots of time with fishermen and... like... the symbol of Christianity is... like... a fish, you know, you see it on the backs of the cars which go really, like, slowly... so like, that proves that, like, Jesus, the Lord, Yahweh, God Almighty, the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, the Prince of Peace, the Son of Man, loves you and wants a relationship, like, with like, you. You know? Isn't that, like, totally effing awesome? Yah. So, like, if what I've said here today has, like, touched you in anyway and, like, you want to talk to someone or, like, pray with someone, that's totally, like, awesome, there are cugs at the back, they're, like, really cool because they're in, like, full time Christian ministry and wear trainers and jeans, and, like you can talk to them and they'll, like, make you feel, like, really, like, totally uncomfortable. Yah. So, err, I'm going to invite the band up now and we'll, like, praise our God together again."
* * *
After singing the chorus to How Great Thou Art thirty-four times, being photographed with the happy couple, listening to Heather berate her new husband for not carrying the train of her dress, opening the car door for her or holding her hand correctly and enduring Cabin Boy Matt's attempts to chat up fourteen of the bridesmaids, the mother of the bride and the photographer, the group sat around their allocated table to eat. Cabin Boy Henry was also at the table, looking as miserable as ever.
"I don't know if I like my job," he said. "It's not really what I want to do, it's just that fishing seemed like such an obvious career move when the opportunity came up, you know?"
"But it pays well, right?" asked Reverend Doctor Inspector Warwick.
"Well, yeah, it's alright, I guess," said Cabin Boy Henry. "But, you know, I'm at the bottom of the ladder and it's a bit dull and repetitive and there's not much chance of advancing unless somebody dies."
"You could kill off Captain Campbell," suggested Cabin Boy Matt. "You know, chuck him ovver board."
"Hey, don't get any ideas," Skipper Bruce chastened him.
"At least you're better off than First Mate Glen," stated Reverend Doctor Inspector Warwick. "He's stuck in that job for life now."
"What's wrong with fashing?" asked Skipper Bruce.
"Not fishing," Reverend Doctor Inspector Warwick said. "In marriage."
"Ooh, aye," said Cabin Boy Matt. "They're always arguing, I don't understand why they'd do it.
"They're not always arguing," said Reverend Doctor Inspector Warwick.
"No," conceded Cabin Boy Matt. "Sometimes his phone's out of range."
"But surely that's what love is," said Skipper Bruce, wisely.
"What?" asked Reverend Doctor Inspector Warwick. "Being berated by your wife?"
"No," replied Skipper Bruce. "I'm not sure that you love someone because of something, you know, I think you love someone despite something."
There was silence around the table as the group took in this ridiculous suggestion.
"I mean," continued Skipper Bruce, "if you love someone only when you get along with them than it's not really love, is it? But if you love someone even when you could murder them, I guess that is love."
"Perhaps," muttered Reverend Doctor Inspector Warwick, miffed at being shown to be wrong.
"So I reckon First Mate Glen and Heather are actually quite a good couple, a good example of love. You know, patient and not self-seeking and all that.
"Aye, you've not got a bad point there," said Cabin Boy Matt. "I guess if Jesus loved us because of who we are rather than despite who we are we'd be well and truly buggered."
"A bit like Dave was earlier," chortled Cabin Boy Henry, referring to Cabin Boy Matt having gotten more than he bargained for after photographing up David's kilt.
"It's a good thing love is love and not something else," continued Cabin Boy Matt, ignoring Cabin Boy Henry (who did work on The Grey Friar, after all) "and that Jesus loved us."
* * *
The following evening Skipper Bruce, Deck Hand Chris and Cabin Boy Matt entered The Lady's Head to find Cabin Boy Henry slouched over a pint of Best looking utterly miserable.
"What's up, lad?" asked Cabin Boy Matt.
"Huh, Captain Campbell over heard our discussion yesterday," he said, "and sacked me. Said he didn't like people in his crew complaining about their jobs and just ordered me to collect a few debts before finishing."
"But I thought you didn't like your job," said Skipper Bruce.
"I didn't until I'd lost it," replied Cabin Boy Henry. "And now I realise how much I liked it."
"Oh dear," said Deck Hand Chris, pulling a ball of wool from his rucksack. "So what are you going to do now?"
Before Cabin Boy Henry could answer, Mairi bounced into the pub and over to the table where the four men were sat.
"Hey Cabin Boy Henry!" she beamed. "I guess you want me to pay for the fish for the café?"
"Yes, that's right," said Cabin Boy Henry. "Thanks for coming."
"Soooooooooo, I've got a tiiiiincy bit of a problem," said Mairi, indicating the small size of the problem with her thumb and index finger. "The café hasn't being doing that well, I can't think why, so I can't pay you all of it."
Cabin Boy Henry's face brightened as an idea entered his mind.
"That's OK," he said. "Look, just pay half, forget about the rest."
"Really?" Mairi beamed more than ever. "That's great, thank you Cabin Boy Henry." And with that she wrote a cheque, passed it to Cabin Boy Henry and bounced out with even more of a spring in her step.
"That was nice of you," said Skipper Bruce.
"Were you supposed to do that?" asked Deck Hand Chris, producing two long needles from his pockets.
"Er, no, but I thought I'd get myself into her good books, you know, she might give me a job if she likes me."
At that moment the door of the bar opened and Pastor Iain strolled towards them, briefcase in one hand and black, leather bound Bible in the other.
"Good morning, folks," he said, jovially. "I've come to pay my fish bill. We had lots last week for the Breathen fish supper you know, had it in a tree house and called it the Meeting in the Air, went down very well, you know."
"Good to see you, Pastor," said Cabin Boy Henry. "Look, don't pay everything you owe us, just give us a third, that'll see you sorted."
"Why, Cabin Boy Henry, that's very kind of you, the Lord will reward you dearly for your generosity. And hey! My fish have multiplied. Who'd have thought the Lord would multiply fish, eh?"
Pastor Iain handed over a wad of cash.
"Well, I'll see you all later, ta ta for now!"
And with that he was gone.
"Why are Christians always so bloody happy?" asked Cabin Boy Matt.
"They're not," replied Skipper Bruce, "look at you."
Cabin Boy Matt had no reply to that, so turned to Deck Hand Chris instead.
"And what the bloody 'ell are you doing?" he asked.
"I'm knitting," replied Deck Hand Chris.
"Knittin'?" spat Cabin Boy Matt. "Have you turned into some sort of nancy boy?"
"No," replied Deck Hand Chris. "Knitting's very therapeutic, Nat got me into it."
"Women'll be the death of men," muttered Cabin Boy Matt, eyeing up an attractive blond at the next table.
At that moment the door of The Lady's Head opened with a bang and Captain Campbell strode in, looked around and, clocking Cabin Boy Henry, headed straight to the table at which the four men were sat.
"Cabin Boy Henry," he said. "I've just had a call from Mairi at the café thanking me for cancelling half her debt. Half her debt which she says you," he jabbed a finger at Cabin Boy Henry's chest, "gave her. I then got a call from Pastor Iain. He was thanking me for giving him a discount, a discount which you," he prodded even harder, "gave him. They've both tripled their orders and say they're going to recommend us to their friends. Well done Cabin Boy Henry."
Captain Campbell gave Cabin Boy Henry an overly familiar hug that lasted just a little too long. "Have your job back," he said. "And let me buy you a pint."
"I won't say no to that," said Cabin Boy Henry.
"You never do," muttered Cabin Boy Matt.
"Great, thanks, Cabin Boy Henry," said Skipper Bruce. "Now they're taking even more custom off us. Come on, lads, let's go." Skipper Bruce downed the entirety of his previously untouched pint and left for another voyage in search of north atlantic cod.
__________
The real life First Mate Glen and Heather (First Lady Glen?) don't argue quite as much as they're fictional counterparts. I wish them the very best in their married life.
K.Y.
