Until the Pride of Lamond entered port and four pairs of eyes spotted something the crew had hoped not to see for a long while.
The Grey Friar towered above them, gleaming in the early morning sun, its radar twirling, its darkened windows threatening. All signs of damage from the previous autumn's fire had gone. It was as good as new and was giving out a grumble of high quality from its engine. When the four men had climbed onto the quay from their vessel they were met by the presence of something else unexpected. The old, grey block of flats which stood at the dockside had been gutted like a north Atlantic cod, painted an array of dazzling colours and fitted with a state-of-the-art refrigeration mechanism.
Captain Cambell was stood at the large door the size of an Eddie Stobart lorry supervising the fitting of a sign reading The Barn to the wall.
"Hey," he said, seeing them and smiling sympathetically. "How are you?"
"Alright," replied Skipper Bruce, but Captain Campbell hadn't waited for a reply.
"This is our new million pound storage facility," Captain Campbell said making a grand, sweeping gesture towards the building with his arm. "We estimate that we'll be bringing in around seventy thousand units a day now The Grey Friar's up and running again, so we'll be needing somewhere to store all that fish."
Skipper Bruce just nodded.
"We decided to make it fit in with the humble surroundings," Captain Campbell looked meaningfully at the Pride of Lamond, "so we've named it The Barn. A nice touch."
The Pride of Lamond's crew stared at the building. Deck Hand Chris let out a long, low, tuneful whistle.
"We're chuffin' screwed," said Cabin Boy Matt, optimistically. "I need a pint."
And so the four of them, along with Steven Seagull, headed up the hill towards The Lady's Head, where First Mate Glen purchased the full back catalogue of his favourite band, the highly acclaimed Wee Frees, called One Hundred and Forty-Nine Psalms.
* * *
After a few days of rest Skipper Bruce, First Mate Glen, Deck Hand Chris and Cabin Boy Matt returned to the Pride of Lamond, where they prepared for their next voyage. As they sat mending nets they watched as Jim the Navigator drove a yellow fork-lift piled high with cases of fresh fish into The Barn. First Mate Fraser bounced around, her curly hair rising and falling gaily, waving yellow table tennis bats to direct her colleague. Meanwhile, Louisa the Technician lifted the cases of fish from the fork-lift while Cabin Boy Henry tried to decide where they should be stored.
The Pride of Lamond's crew sat mending nets late into the afternoon and still Jim the Navigator drove back and forth between The Barn and The Grey Friar. With each trip the hearts of Skipper Bruce and his men sank a little further. Prices of fish would fall immensely now.
Eventually, First Mate Glen could take it no more.
"Come on," he said, "let's get out of here. I can't stand to watch them any longer."
Skipper Bruce nodded his agreement. "Aye," he said. "Let's go catch some fash."
But the crew could tell that their Skipper's usual enthusiasm was lacking.
* * *
The trip was another success, but the men didn't feel happy, for they new their catch could never match that of The Grey Friar. It played particularly heavily on the mind of Skipper Bruce. His DJing would keep him afloat. His tunes were reasonably popular amongst the middle aged at some of Dundee's less refined establishments, but he felt responsible for the others, who had nothing upon which to fall back. Cabin Boy Matt had suggested he and DJ Vector team up, but Skipper Bruce didn't think there was much call for a Yorkshire rapper in Fife and Tayside, or anywhere, for that matter. He flicked on the demo cassette with which Cabin Boy Matt had proudly presented him. The words filled the little hut from where Skipper Bruce steered the vessel.
All you Christian ladies know thee want to get wi' Matt,
'Cause thee knows 'at life wi' me would be reet phat,
Ah'm not sayin' that tha's big, nay tha spells it wi' "P.H.",
If tha wants to get wi' me tha can come an' be me... lady.
Ooh, aye, ooh, wotcha!
Skipper Bruce flicked the tape player off again with a shudder. No way could DJ Vector team up with the Yorkshire Rapper.
* * *
On returning to port, the crew of the Pride of Lamond were met with a guiltily pleasant surprise. Captain Campbell, Jim the Navigator, Louisa the Technician and Cabin Boy Henry were all sat forlornly on the lobster baskets looking incredibly sad. The only member of The Grey Friar's crew who didn't look sad was First Mate Fraser, who was jumping around with a big smile on her face as usual, though she assured Skipper Bruce that she was devastated.
Apparently The Barn had suffered a number of disasters. Firstly, cats had crept under the door and eaten a large proportion of the north Atlantic cod which had been stored there. Then a notorious gang of thieves, the Prawn Again Fellowship, had broken in and stolen the entire catch of molluscs that had been stored within. Finally, the warehouse's refrigeration unit had failed and the fish that had been left in the barn had become as rotten as Fife Council.
Skipper Bruce, First Mate Glen, Deck Hand Chris and Cabin Boy Matt stifled their smiles and offered their commiserations before deciding to celebrate their now valuable catch with an evening watching BBC Alba.
